Wednesday, March 18, 2015

Mommy Lie Detector Test

As I drove home from work yesterday, A few thoughts popped into my head into in regards to things I swore pre-baby that I'd never do post-baby. It's funny how you can be SO justified in your thinking on all the things "mom" related as someone with ZERO experience in child rearing and what life really looks like when you add a 7lb miracle into the mix. Hello, reality check. Hey there, culture shock. Adios, super confidant thirty something with no littles thinking.

And as I had an internal conversation with myself on said car ride, I had to laugh as the thought of a parental lie detector test came to mind. In which I whole heartedly blame my long standing love affair with Law & Order: SVU, by the way. Can I get a what-what from my fellow Benson lovers out there? Anywho...

Should I be given a mommy lie detector test, here are a few questions that I MAY or MAY NOT fail:

  • I have never stopped in Target to consider purchasing the dreaded Elf on the Shelf that I've made fun of for the last four years. Like, seriously made fun of.
  • I have never picked up my favorite blanket from the laundry pile after the Munch spit up all over one side of it (which would just be gross not to wash it right away), so that I could take a much needed nap with it while the cute, little puker slept. What? It has ANOTHER side, ya know. And again, I may or may not be lying. You'll never know, will you?
  • I've never carefully and strategically removed the world's biggest booger from my little's nose with my favorite eyebrow tweezers so he could breathe.
  • I've never implemented the 5 second rule in regards to pacifier droppage. On my first child.
  • I've never rewarded myself with chocolate when I have to pump.
  • I've never taken a "shower" with baby wipes and called it clean enough.  
  • I've never gone without washing my hair for days until the roots of my head actually hurt within the first few weeks of bringing home this little miracle.
  • I've never peed a little when I sneezed post baby. Seriously, what is that??!!
  • I've never put breastmilk in the Hub's coffee when I've been too lazy to run to the store. Not really. I just wanted to make the Hubs silently panic for a second!
  • I've never left the house with the diaper sitting by the front door leaving us with zero diapers at the restaurant. I've never also questioned if I could boy-scout style rig up a diaper out of the restaurant's cloth napkins should we have a blow out.
Thank the Lord I've never done any of those parenting faux pauxs. OR at least been asked to test my honesty on their occurrence and frequency. Lying moms unite!

No comments: