Friday, February 10, 2012

Something Blue

Recently I mentioned to my mom and Grandma that I'd love for my "something blue" to be related to my Grandpa Howard who passed away fairly unexpectedly almost a year ago. With my great fortune and blessing, Grandpa Howard was the first of my grandparents to leave us, so his passing was a new sense of loss for myself and my family that we had not yet had to experience.

My vision was to have fabric from one of my Grandpa's shirts sewn into the inside of my dress so that he'd be right there with us during the ceremony and then dancing the night away in celebration. That man loved to dance! At my cousin's wedding, just a short 6 months before he passed, we had the pleasure of seeing his moves and let me tell you, the man was on fire! He danced ALL NIGHT LONG. I've never seen his smile so bright and carefree in all of my 33 years, so I knew at my wedding, I'd want him to be on that dance floor in spirit!

Last night, out of the blue, I came home from a long day at work to find a small but thick envelope from my mom. Not knowing what it could possibly be, I opened the small card to a note that said "Your something blue" and inside was a piece of Grandpa's blue shirt cut into the shape of a heart ready for my big day. My heart sank and melted all at the same time.

For the next 20 minutes I sat on the kitchen floor and cried into that blue heart. I cried for his loss and ours. I cried for my Grandma who gave up the shirt of her best friend so that it could be his presence on the day their granddaughter would get married. I cried over the memories of our last few days with him and how blessed I feel for being there for those precious days and nights. I cried that I never got to tell him that I was going to get to marry my best friend after 15 years, and I cried that he won't be there to see it in body. And lastly I cried happy tears that his body is at rest and he doesn't have to struggle with any illness or anxiety anymore.

And when it was time to stop crying, I smiled knowing that we're going to have a really big dance party in a few months and he'll be right there with us in his element, smiling ear to ear in our hearts.

I never knew my "something blue" could mean so much.

Thursday, February 9, 2012

Crazy Dayz

True confession, I'm a burn the candle at both ends kind of girl. Always have been and I hope I always will be one. I want to make the most of my life and if that requires some candle burning, bring it on. However, with all of that being said, I'm starting to feel as though I'm burning about 25 candles at both ends right now and I think it's catching up to me more than I like to admit.

With my very exciting wedding plans upon me, of which I am not complaining about at all because I am in love with figuring out every detail, my mind is constantly in overload mode. And when you add in my full time career where I'm co-hosting a conference for a few hundred invitees, coaching college cheerleading part-time, and now chairing and planning a community event for 250 local teens, I'm afraid I'm starting to come undone.

I'm tempted daily to schedule reminders to breathe, eat, sleep through the night without waking up in a panic over prom dresses or managing entertainment for a 200 person volunteer dinner, etc... And aside from forgetting to breathe about 15 times a day, I'm starting to feel like there is a lunatic trapped in my small frame. Things are starting to come out of my mouth that I haven't approved yet mentally. Things that sound ungrateful and often times negative, which are in no part a reflection of how I'm truly feeling. I also slightly fear a meltdown in the near future, and I'm praying that I can get in front of it before it unravels its ugly self.

For a planner and candle burner like me, crazy can be a great thing when harnessed. I just need to contain and redirect the crazy a little better into thankfulness for all of the recent events and blessings that the Lord has entrusted to me. And I'm convinced the Lord must think that I am an amazing multi-tasker to allow me the responsibility of said events. With prayer, sleep and a lot of scheduled deep breaths, I'm sure we'll have amazing success for those we'll get to reach and serve.

I'm just praying to turn the crazies to thanks, and in the meantime, if you see or hear any abnormal behavior or feisty behavior out of me, please kindly shake me, slap my cheek and tell me to "get it together". Then please follow with a hug because you never want to end with a slap when dealing with a lunatic;)