I am a Christian. I love Jesus and believe beyond a shadow of a doubt that God sent his one and only son to die for my sins and yours. I believe He is in control and sees everything long before I even know it's on the radar. I know He has my best interest at heart, even when it feels as though my heart is breaking.
With all that being said, and all that I believe, I still ache in desperate ways when His plans are not my own. Regardless of how many versus I read that assure me that His ways are best and to take heart and to lean on Him and not my own understanding, I fall short almost every time. Knowing that some things are just not "meant to be" does not make them any less devastating. Do I know that He has a plan, yes? Do I still struggle and feel hurt when the course is changed without any explanation, absolutely. I may have an eternal perspective, but here on earth, things can suck the life right out of you, can't they?
We had made plans and started dreams that will never come to fruition, at least not in the way that we were led to believe. We are back at "now what?" and I'm not really sure where to go or even how to go from here. I don't know how to not cry over a dream that was within reach and then taken away without explanation. I need comforting words yet all fall short aside from "that sucks, I'm so sorry." Hearing "there will be others" or "it just wasn't meant to be" makes me cringe and fight back tears. I know the sayers of those encouragements mean nothing short of well, but just because something wasn't meant to be doesn't make it any more of comfort when it's taken away. It doesn't make it sting any less.
I'm trying to trust that there's a plan. Maybe there is. Surely there is if everything I believe to be true, is in fact true. But for the here and now, I am sad and angry and lost and confused. I'm guessing I will be for a while. The bright side is that I have a 1.8 lb nugget kicking me as I type to reassure me that regardless of what our plan looks like, I have one giant blessing on its way to join in our plan. I just wish I knew where that nugget would call home.