Tuesday, May 6, 2014

Holy Bottles, Bat Man

On Sunday I completed my first marathon! I did it. All 26.2 miles of it. Well, okay, not really. But it felt like it, dang it. What we DID complete was our baby registry which seemed as long, as painful on my swollen feet, and as utterly exhausting as I imagine 26.2 to feel. And there's no one cheering you on from the sidelines as you make it through the baby swing aisle and into stroller hell. Babies R Us really should look into that. Seriously. The free bottled water they offer is thoughtful, but what I could've used was a few people standing along the aisles cheering "you're half way there! Keep going! You just have bedding, diapers and pack and plays left; you've got this!"

I knew we were in above our parental pay grade when we entered the bottle aisle. What the what? Why? Just why? Do we really need 815 bottle and nipple options? I'm thinking this is a first world problem for shizzle, right? The Hubs and I stood there like lost puppies. Nothing can make a soon to be mom feel inadequate quite like the bottle aisle at target. If their goal is to make me feel like I'm 112% in over my head, well played. Why are there no spreadsheets or flow charts on what size you need to start with and how you increase along the way? Is a 4oz bottle for newborns, or traveling, or snacks? And nipple flows? Huh? I'm pretty sure for those moms that nurse, your kiddo is stuck with whatever nipple flow God gave ya. What's Dr. Brown and Avent's response to that one?

Strollers, car seats and travel systems, oh my! Oh my word is more like it. So the Hubs and I did what most well educated and studied up on all things stroller parents would do, we grabbed one, pulled it off the shelf, played with it for 5 minutes and called it good. We never looked back.

My favorite registry item was the diaper genie. We stood there and read all the blasted labels...diaper genie, diaper genie plus, diaper genie elite, blah blah blah...when a mom walked up and said "buy that one, it rocks." It was like a voice from above speaking life into our tired, ragged, floundering parental hearts. Done and done. If only that woman could've followed us down every aisle with her commentary. As quickly as she appeared to save us, she was gone and were left to fend for ourselves. I'm not fully convinced she wasn't a Babies R Us mirage.

I was donzo by the time we hit bedding. Put a fork in me. If the kid has a clean sheet that isn't pink, I'll call it a success. My body was aching, the Hubs had to make a hydration run for us, and our creativity was shot. You know how you watch the Boston Marathon on TV and without fail, someone's bowels go out on them on mile 25 as they push themselves to the max? Oh, the horror! As we rounded cribs, my body gave out and I tooted right there. In the middle of the blessed store. I can only share this with you now because at that point I lost all self respect and self preservation. I left it in aisle 13, aka Cribs at Babies R Us. The Hubs just looked at me and walked away. No words were spoken. I'm pretty sure, thanks to the glorious side effect that is pregnancy gas, that I was NOT the only registering momma to accidentally let one slip in that place. I guarantee that place gets crop dusted more than any other store in America (aside from Farm and Fleet, most likely). WE CANNOT HELP IT. I swear! 75% of the time, Hubs, I'm just as shocked as you are when it happens. Contrary to popular belief, I do not relish in this side effect. Oh I'm sorry, I'm just creating a human life. Toots happen. Deal and walk faster so we can blame it on pregnant Patty one aisle over and he husband can get embarrassed and leave her standing there alone and dignity-less!

So, um, yeah. in one swoop I've taken our blogging relationship to the next level (sorry about that). The upside is that we completed Ziggys' registry and lived to tell the tale. And you're welcome to everyone who is sweet enough to buy something from Zig's registry as I'm certain you'll have a good chuckle at my expense as your eyes hit the crib section. And if for some reason you encounter a preggo and smell an odd odor as you pass her, just give her a little high five and assure her/us that this will not last forever. It won't right? Right?!

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