Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Head+Heart= Back on Track

After a heart and head debate on my potential return to Nicaragua this August, I am excited and relieved to have a peace about my upcoming trip. Although finances are slow right now, they have begun to pop up in the exact moments when again, my head starts to doubt the trip. Is it spiritual warfare, I don’t know? Is it just plain fear, quite possibly?

I’m not afraid of any risks, or inadequacies like I was last year, but I think I’ve just felt like something was off because it was. Last year was my first trip. I don’t know if you can ever expect another trip to hold the same feelings of wonder, worry, and the sheer excitement of not knowing what in the world to expect. I went to Nicaragua with strangers and came back with precious bonds that I’ll never forget. I don’t have to see or even speak to my last year’s teammates very often but when I think of them, something happens in my heart. I know that they are the only 17 people who can understand what I felt on that trip and that makes me tied to them in amazing way.

I cannot expect my 2nd trip and any other trip after that, to feel the exact same way. That’s entirely too much pressure. I now realize that my fear was that this trip won’t live up to the last experience, but I also understand that it doesn’t have too. This is not the same trip. The new teammates were chosen for this year’s purpose and I am excited to grow with them and learn along side of 17 more people. This year’s location will be chosen for a reason and that too does not have to be the same for amazing things to ensue. This trip isn’t about me and shouldn’t be, but sadly I think that it was in my head, whether I was aware of it or not.

God has a plan. He never did not have a plan for this trip. I was just not giving myself readily over to that plan, but am relieved to be back on track. Nicaragua, here I come!

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