Monday, May 18, 2015

I Don't Know How To Do This

It's been awhile since I've had a spare second to sit down and blog. My apologies if you're a loyal reader and have checked back to find zero, zilch, nada from me. Life has been slammed lately and finding the time to stop and be creative for a moment was just not going to happen no matter how many times I thought to myself "I'm finally going to carve out some time to write." Sigh.

Well, that all stops today. At least for right now.

As many of you already know, I lost my best friend last Thursday both very suddenly and very unexpectedly. Just like that, my hustled life came to a screeching halt and I was brought to my knees, figuratively and physically. In one moment, my life changed and my heart shattered.

Although I've tried my best to come to grips with losing my beloved Wrigley, AKA Piggy, I know in my heart and mind that I'm floundering. I can't seem to make sense of anything right now. I'm shocked. I'm devastated. I'm in physical pain and my chest aches. I feel as though I cannot breathe much of the day. I'm angry. I'm mad. I'm overwhelming sad. I'm struggling with guilt and remorse and what if's and why's. And every time I go to pray, I cannot seem to make it further than "Dear Heavenly Father....I don't know how to do this..." and then I'm done. I just can't.

As I struggled to put on my make-up through my tears this morning (which, by the way, is like brushing your teeth with Oreos), I kept thinking "I don't know how to do this. He has stood at my feet while I've gotten ready for the day approximately 4,500 times. How do I do this? How do I be okay? I just don't know how to do this..." the one thought that followed was "You write. That's how you do this. At least for now. You just write."

And so for this week, while I am struggling to find a way "to do this", I will write. I will write to him, for him and about him. This week's posts will not be for anyone else, but for us, the Freiberg four. Myself, the Hubs, Nash and Piggy. If these posts do not interest you, that's okay. Please come back again next week, I'd love to see you back. But for this week and for my heart and sweet boy's memory, I'm going to write. Because honestly, I don't know how to do anything else right now.

Thank you for the space to heal and process.

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