Tonight marks our third birthing class, which means we will be 75% of the way to becoming birthing experts. We will know almost everything there is to know about birth, the female body, breathing techniques that make child bearing a piece of no sweat cake, and we'll be ready to bring that little nugget home after only 24 hours of supervision from the hospital staff.
If you believe all of that then you're a fool. No offense.
Birthing class has probably been one of the most awkward yet slightly rewarding and educational things I've ever shelled out $85 to partake in. Sitting in a class with 6 other couples, who are all complete strangers, while watching a woman from the 80's give birth on a big screen is just not fun. There's no way to even make that fun. No amount of complimentary bottled water or lemonade can dull that sting in your eyes. Friends of ours had said there would be "phenomenal lemon cake" at these classes. They're dang liars. There's zero cake. Just pain. Cake would maybe help dull the sting a little bit, but the last thing I want to be doing during one of those videos is eating anything. Trust me on that one. As a matter of fact, I'm pretty sure that at one point throughout the video I swore to myself that I'd never have the desire to eat anything ever again from being so disturbed.
To be fair, we have learned some helpful things throughout the class so I cannot complain. Tonight we cover pain management and the various medication options versus last week's "natural" birth options. I'm hoping tonight's round of videos are less traumatic when drugs are involved. I pray this round doesn't make me secretly hope for a C-section like last week. And I'm fairly certain that it's way too late to go the surrogate route on this one, right? Hindsight is 20/20.
So for all the moms out there, my question is this...why are we encouraged to take a four week birthing class but NO ONE offers a parenting class? Like, not even a 20 minute session on how to keep your baby alive? Birthing, albeit serious, risky business, can be taught in a matter of an hour or so I would imagine, so why can we not spend the remaining 7 hours discussing how to feed, bath, clothe and care for this tiny human you just taught me how to expel from my body? Where is that class???
If anyone out there would like to quit their day job and make a killing, you should start a "Parenting 101: How to Keep a New Human Alive" class. I will be your first client. In the very front of the room. With a notepad and tape recorder.
Teach me how to manage my pain during 20+ hours and I'll forever be grateful. Teach me how to care for this 8 pound miracle and I'll cling to you the fabric sheet that fell out of pant leg in the TJMaxx dressing room last week. We will be that tight. Forever. And you, my friend, will be a millionaire. You're welcome.