Monday, April 7, 2014

Internal Battle

If you were to look inside of my brain, you'd most likely need a cocktail or a nap or multiples of both. I feel like I have a million thoughts going through my head with absolutely no resolve. I've been asking myself the same questions daily and yet fail to make a decision on anything. It's exhausting really.

I often teeter on whether or not to share my inner most thoughts on this blog and more times than not, the over-sharing wins. I'm sorry or you're welcome, I'm not really sure. Often times, my hope is that if it's jotted down in black and white, a portion of the grayness will be eliminated. Ironically, that's rarely the case. My brain tends to reside in the gray. I'm not sure I excel in the gray per say, but I sure do like to curl up there and call it home.

After about a month, and 3 million days depending on whether you count the emotional toll of it all, we've found ourselves at a place in the home negotiation process where the proverbial ball is back in court. We can pull the trigger and own this home that I've been day dreaming about or we can walk. Two weeks ago, amongst days of tears, I was ready to sell a kidney on the black market if need be to seal the deal. Kidding, slightly, but this text conversation may have taken place at some point last month:

Now, with it essentially being ours to lose, I've suddenly found myself a bit gun shy. And why I'm gun shy has become an internal battle in itself.

You see, for two years now, I've fallen in admiration for a family online that strategically sold their home and moved into a "transitioning" neighborhood. Transitioning might be putting it nicely, as they've chosen to plant their family in a neighborhood where most people would flee from. They wanted to be where they could make a difference, be a light, and be a resource to others. I've fallen for them thanks to the mother's blog and her daily tales from within the neighborhood. I've thought "they're amazing, I'd love to do that!" Fast forward, we've found ourselves in a slightly similar situation and I'm leaning more toward the breaks than the gas. Why?

Granted, you must take all of this with a grain of salt as this neighborhood we're looking at is no where near dilapidated nor full of darkness. That would not be our calling at this point in our lives. However, the surrounding neighborhood is not as nice as where we are now and we would be one of the nicest homes on the street of which I find myself struggling. And I hate that I'm struggling with that. Hate it. It makes me question whether or not I view myself as better than others and more deserving of a white picket fence neighborhood where everyone makes roughly the same salaries and drives comparable cars with little toy poodles that may or may not get pushed around the driveway in strollers from time to time. Do I feel as though I deserve more? If so, why? Or would I feel guilty for being one of the nicest houses on the flip side of this double edged sword? I have no clue, hence the needing a cocktail or nap if you could see inside of my head.

I don't want to struggle with entitlement nor what I do or do not deserve. I don't want to fear my own thoughts. I want them to be genuine, but I'm not quite sure how to sort through them all to find the thoughts that truly matter. I want to eliminate what someone else might think and get to the root of where my heart resides. Gray or not. Indecisiveness could lead me straight out of a home.

Any words of wisdom out there? I could use them.

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