Tuesday, January 7, 2014

We're Not In Charleston Anymore, Toto

It's no secret that we're slowly freezing to death in the Midwest, aka the North Pole. I no longer refer to my hometown as Rockford. Rockford is gone and I'm almost 99.4% certain that I live in the North Pole, and I have the frozen nose hairs to prove it, y'all. What? Don't act like nose-sicles aren't part of your every day routine too. Oh, wait, they aren't?? Well aren't you something. Pffffffff. I digress, sorry.

Over the last few weeks, I've been reminded that I'm definitely not in Charleston anymore, Toto. Nothing brings you back to reality quite like 20 mile an hour winds of -36 degree magnitudes slapping you in the face.

So, today while I'm still conscious and hypothermia has not completely set in, I bring you the top 8 reasons why I know that I'm a full fledge resident of the North Pole:

  • The snow banks are taller than my Jeep. Mind you, it's only the beginning of January, folks. These suckers are at least 12 feet tall.

  • Can you find Piggy in this picture? Yeah, I could hardly find him myself and I was the one taking it. The snow on the ground is taller than my dog. My poor, little pup tries to potty without all 4 paws touching the ground due to the pain the ice causes him. My friend's dog, well, its paws did actually freeze to the ground and he had to be physically removed. Cruel, I tell you.

  • When you pack beer, champagne and your tall, boot slippers for the New Year's Eve party at a friend's house because you know even the fleece lined tights ain't gonna cut it. I call this look festive/toasty chic. I make no apologies. It's called survival.

  • When you start to use your patio as extra freezer space, you know you've crossed over into North Pole territory. We needed more room after a big grocery haul and the patio, well, it's snow covered and colder than the freezer. I knew I was done for when the Hubs stated while we're watching a movie "Um, I think I just saw a fox run off with our lasagna." I didn't know whether to laugh or cry.

  • The icicles hanging from our roof look more like boobie traps and impending death by stab wound than they do frozen water. They're about as tall as I am. Again, only January, peeps.

  • When you have to wear a stocking cap while cuddled under a down comforter to stay warm INDOORS while watching the Bachelor. It's that cold. I'm wearing hats inside. Someone save me. I'm not kidding.

  • And the harsh reality of becoming those people who cancel Saturday night plans with friends because it's too cold and too snowy to venture out. We're either a) old or b) it really is that cold. In our defense though, it was to go to a hockey game and honestly, do you want to sit in a cold rink after braving 2 degree weather and scaling snow mounds 2 feet deep in the parking lot? Yeah, me neither.

  • And lastly, friends in SC text you the following image just to see if "those temps are actually real". Sadly, they're as real as it comes. Just ask my Jeep which is now in the shop due to the excessive cold. Even my rugged Jeep is waving its snow covered flag.

Who's coming to get me and whisk me off to Mexico?? I'll buy the margaritas!

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