Wednesday, May 8, 2013

Flight Etiquette

This past weekend I had the pleasure of being a passenger on 4 different flights in a 72 hours span. That being said, I don't particularly enjoy flying. I don't not like it because I'm afraid, I just don't like the lack of control that I have and the strict time lines, etc... There's just too much room for error and absolutely nothing that I can do about it.

I'll also never be one of those people who loves grabbing a beer at the airport bar, nor am I the gal ordering a boxed snack and Merlot on a flight. Just get me to point A from B without too much turbulence, delays, and hoopla and I'll pleasantly mind my own. Other passengers, not so much really.

With about 4-5 more trips ahead of me in the next few months, I've started compiling a list of general airplane etiquette, at least for my own peace of mind:
  1. If you must recline your seat, please do so gradually. Do not, I kindly repeat, do not drop it like it's hot with one huge plunge. The person in front of me did that this weekend and I kid you not, I almost wet myself. It scared the dickens out of me. I'm just minding my own with my little paperback and wham! The woman in the seat in front of me is now in my lap. Ease into it friends. There's no rush. We still have 2 hours for you to recline, but I assure you, it's going to feel like 8 hours if you have to smell pee pants behind you the whole way.
  2. And, if we're being 100% honest with ourselves, is it really polite to recline all the way back? Aren't our seats tight enough without someone else taking a snooze in your personal space? Just think on that.
  3. Please shower before your day of travel. I've had people in my life who have the mindset of "why would I shower just to sit on a plane for a few hours?" Well, I would usually tell them in my sweetest most convincing voice, "it's not really about showering for you. It's about showering for the poor soul who must sit next to you for 2 hours. No one needs to smell you at 30,000 feet." No one. They did not pay $300+ to sit next to a BO machine. Please at least "rinse off" if you can't spare us all the 5-10 minutes for a little lather.
  4. Headphones should not be speakers for the person next to you. Musical taste can be very personal and I don't pretend to know what the person next to me in 34B wants to hear as their "flight 1706 soundtrack". Blasting hardcore rap is plain rude and quite tacky. Please use the headphone to get the tunes to your head and your head alone. Thank you.
    *Note, this was sent while we were still permitted to use our electronic devices. Homeboy blasting the rap never even turned his device off. Etiquette #6 if this list had a #6.
  6. If you do not have a connecting flight, please deplane last as the pilot has asked. This one peeves me up royally. Unless you want to sprint from concourse A to F while pulling me on your rolling suitcase while I scream "faster, faster, we're going to miss it", please let some of us get off ahead of you. Your ride will wait for you, I promise, but my plane will not. And if your ride doesn't wait, well it's probably because you're rude both on and off of the plane. No offense.
Friends, if you have any tips you'd like to add, please do so. I'd like to know if I'm an airline offender and totally unaware like the woman across the aisle letting her 3 year old use her seat like a trampoline for 2 hours while she drowns her parental defeat into miniature bags of pretzels and peanuts.

Mom in aisle 33, I ain't mad at ya. That will probably be me some day. You get one get out of a jail free card, mostly because I can longer hear your child jumping and screaming over the Lil Wayne lyrics compliments of passenger 34B. I do however, think the person who may have to use the floatation device under your child's "trampoline" would revoke your free jail pass on the spot. Just sayin.


hmgarver421 said...

Oh my word you had me rolling! I so wish you asked him if he had some NKOTB!

mama spike said...

Love it, love it, love it!!!