Thursday, May 9, 2013

A Mugshot Addiction

Upon first glance, I'm your average 30 something female who can usually be found sporting pearl earrings, playing with my 10 lb toy poodle, driving in my white Jeep singing along to Journey, and enjoying a nice glass of Malbec after a long week at the office.

What people don't know about me behind the pearls and monster ballads, is that I'm a mugshot junkie. Rockford Mugshots is my jam. If you arrested in the greater Rockford area and are hoping to keep it a secret, not gonna happen. I will know within hours of your booking, so walk the straight and narrow if you don't want me to stalk the worst photo you will ever take. Ever.

I love me some mugshots. I'm fascinated by them quite honestly. And my fascination does not begin and end at Oh no, that's just the starting point for me. I then take it to the streets, aka Facebook.  I will find your mug and then find you on Facebook, muwahaha. Most of the time these folks can be found on FB making the awful "duck face" or posing with 8 of their cute little friends at a local bar days if not hours before the mug unfolds. Then their mug photo looks a little more along the lines of running mascara and begging someone not to call their parents, spouse, or boss to let them know that they just got arrested in their official Burger King uniform shirt and will most likely be late for their upcoming shift.

I honestly think someone from law enforcement should hire me based on my hours of physical and mental profiling done from the comfort of my leather sofa. I can spot a future repeat offender within seconds. If you have one of the following, I will most likely see you grace my iPad again in the near future:
  • Facial tattoos. I think tattoo artists should have to submit names to authorities of anyone requesting artwork on their face. Face tat= probably not making the best decisions.
  • Neck Tattoos. Please see my rationale above.
  • Hair that is standing at least 5 inches straight out of your head. It didn't work for Nick Nolte and it probably won't work for you.
  • YOLO shirts. You may only live once, but you can certainly be arrested multiple times. Keep the fun in check. Screaming YOLO and pounding shots before you drive home, does not a long life make.
  • Grins. If you're smiling in your mug like it's a Glamour Shot at the mall...I look forward to seeing you again real soon, cutie pie.
  • Closed eyes. If you're so high or so drunk that you can't keep your eyes open for the photo, I'm guessing you won't be calling a cab or just saying no the next time either.
  • War wounds. If you look like someone used your poor little face as a skate board, I'd bet my nickels that you'll have another starring role on this site.
  • Hospital gowns. Wow. Need I say more. If they didn't even let you get dressed after the ER visit, you're probably in some serious hot water with the law. You should've considered faking a coma for at least a few days.
Now, I know all of this probably makes me seem heartless, and I assure you that I am not. Some of the people make me very sad. You can tell the ones who've had a long battle with addiction and other demons and my heart hurts for them. I'm sure they have stories that I couldn't handle and I'm certainly not judging.

However, there are clearly some folks who just made a poor decision and are now on the world's worst online dating site ever (come one, there has to be someone out there that uses the access to honest photos and true ages to make strange love connections, right?). Those offenders are the ones that are my online train wreck and I just cannot look away. I wish I knew why I was so compelled to peruse this site daily, but it just calls to me. And the downside of this curiosity is that now I'm always staring everyone down at the grocery store  thinking "didn't I just see you on Mugs for fleeing to elude? Or was it obstruction of justice?"

Maybe I better find a new source of entertainment before I end up on there for chasing people around Walmart and giving them the stink eye in the dairy aisle for crimes they may or may not have committed. It's just so darn hard to look away!

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