Tuesday, February 11, 2014

Dear Juan Pablo

Anyone else out there watching this season of The Bachelor? Anyone else painfully limping through it? Ugh. I don't know that I can keep going, honestly. And it takes this Bachelor fan a lot to question my loyalty to the franchise, but Juan Pablo is killing me slowly. Week by week, episode by episode, awkward kiss by...you catch my drift.

To help process the pain and sadness I feel with my love/hate affair with the show this season, I felt it'd be healthy to tell Rico Suave how I feel. Please bear with me while I speak from the heart...

Dear Juan Pablo,

I want to start by saying that I whole heartedly supported ABC's decision and selection when they announced you as the new Bachelor. I was excited by the worldly view and varying culture that you'd bring to our homes every Monday night. It also didn't hurt that your daughter is precious and therefore, you had the potential to bring with you a softer side than our typical Bachelor stud.

Season premier, I was still team Juan Pablo. You seemed genuine, carefree, and welcoming. By episode three, I began realizing that the "welcoming" warmth that you brought to my screen was nothing more your hormones on crack and your desire to make out with every woman on your cast. Oh, my bad, I forgot there was that one girl with a child who you refused to kiss out of respect for her said child. She dodged a bullet there. Little did she know, she'd be one of the exceptions and not your rule. Your rule is clearly to lip lock as many chicas as possible. I wonder if these girls are all at home gagging at their "at home" viewing parties amongst their friends and family. I know I would be if I saw that I was the 5th girl that you kissed on the beach during the group date. All I can pray for is that Chris Harrison was hiding in the bushes with your toothbrush and professional grade Listerine between make out sessions.

I think the straw that broke this camel's back was when you "swam" (or whatever that was) with Clare in the ocean at 4am while the other girl's slept off their make out hangovers. I was a little disappointed in you in the actual moment, but completely let down when you turned the blame to Clare. Don't get me wrong, I'm no team Clare advocate, but C'mon man! YOU made the decision to swim with her. This isn't her show, it's YOURS. You were not the man you wanted to be in the moment, and you tried to save face by pointing the finger at Clare. Nice try, sir, but you're fooling no one.

Juan Pablo, for this season to survive, I beg you to please stop kissing, groping, and drooling over every single woman during every single episode. It's gross, uncomfortable, and just lame. We want a challenge. We want some suspense. You may be from a culture of love and romance, but we're Americans. We're not 100% down with 2 hours of PDA gracing our screens every week. Save some things for the fantasy suite when the cameras are off. I beg of you.

You have one more chance, mi amigo, one more. Please redeem yourself, sir. Especially for your daughter's sake and the oral health of these poor, remaining women. If you keep going at this speed, your "Women Tell All" episode is going to be one for the books. And I wouldn't be surprised if it wasn't sponsored by Abreva.


PS...Oh, and to send someone home a day early on her actual Birthday. Shame on you. At least let her cake digest before you put her on an airplane. Shame.

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